Shel Miller's Collaborative Psychologist News

2011-06-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

The Human costs and benefit of Separation or Divorce

2010-04-14T11:38:00.002-07:00

Let’s start with the known costs of failure born of the macho mindset. Then we will seek the main benefit of suddenly having to face family law issues. In the 1993 book, Man Enough, Frank Pittman explained the costs of a certain type of masculinity involving men learning to be philanderers (who can't make or keep commitments), contenders (who feel driven to compete) and controllers. Does the name Tiger Woods ring a bell?

In his (post Masters Tournament) time off from working, what might he practice regarding his private life? There are benefits inherent in taking a break from contending, philandering and controlling (e.g. his wife’s life script). The main benefit from the hiatus in his marriage may be the opportunity to finally find him Self through a mindful contemplation of his family of origin scripts.

He might redefine what it means to find pride in emulating his dad. Perhaps with a new found loyalty to his positive Self rather than to dad’s ego, he might practice balance, conflict prevention, and find that Buddhist middle road between asceticism and extreme self pleasuring. What else more positive might it mean to be a Wood – other than to loyally and unmindfully play out the philandering script of his forebear?

Divorce can become a social dis-ease that keeps on seeding losses from generation to generation. The infectious aspect of this dis-ease is based on seeing oneself as a victim of his/her former partner, modeling just the way a prior parent lived life. You re-create a dysfunctional marriage and evoke a familiar blame. I would suggest instead experiencing compassion for the imperfect, incomplete partner that you and your mate are and will always be. As a carrier for this dis-ease, you otherwise plant a divorce process from the moment of engagement without even knowing it.

Young and adult children continue to pay in loss of self-esteem for the unresolved angst of their grand-parents as well as of their parents. There is nothing more damaging to a child than growing up amidst chronic internal strife or family disputes. Even adult children of divorce continue to suffer from the failure of their parents to take the responsibility to debrief and forgive their own and their partner’s broken promises. That requires some hard work: finding compassion for one’s former partner and for oneself.

I am beginning to think that everyone should be required to engage in pre-marital counseling in order to access such unfinished business -- either of their own, their partner’s or of their parent’s. Such a cautious journey into relationship mindfulness may provide a necessary social inoculation from further loss and from the contagion of relationship dis-ease.

Then again, if you are just marrying for money, rather than love and commitment, you might forget the pre-marital process, simply consult a family lawyer and draw up a pre-nup. The cost, of course, may be more loss of Self, of pride and of feeling Man or Woman enough. And you will probably end up learning a lot more about family divorce law and parenting plans than you ever imagined a mature, responsible human being would need to know.

The Human costs and benefit of Separation or Divorce

2010-04-14T11:38:00.001-07:00

April 14, 2010

It is HOW not just what you tell your children when announcing your separation and divorce

2009-08-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

Often saddened by typical sessions with couples on the verge of divorce, I have helped them whenever possible by having them rehearse together how to finally tell their children about this impending family crisis.

I tell them that first they need to sit down soon, all family members together. I encourage them to prepare and refine 45 seconds of explanation that refer both to their parents' sadness and on-going love for their children. That love would manifest in parents continuing to cooperate and act as a friendly partnership and role models on behalf of the children in the future --through marriage and all other transitional events.

After 45 seconds I charge them to zip further talking and just listen carefully to their children for the next few minutes. Despite serious fear of sharing vulnerability, the typically avoidant dad can be a quick learner. That involves overcoming an male tendency to procrastinate or hand off such expression of vulnerability. Dads are often ready to turn the announcement over to his more eloquent wife. Most wives, are more comfortable with the courageous expression of strong, relationship-building feelings.

If only all parents could commit to being excellent models of partnership and sharing. I've heard adult children of divorces that happened many years ago ponder now about such other peoples' unfolding divorces. Burned by a divorce war, they might say, as I heard recently, "Those children will never be the same." But I expect today's clients, especially if they avoid litigation, to cope well and I expect parents to build a better partnership, post divorce, than ever before.

PLEASE FACE MONEY CONFLICTS BEFORE HAND

2008-09-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

One really needs to stay objective and thinking with one's head, as much as heart right from the beginning of any partnership. For a sense of financial well being it behooves one to learn one's partner's idiosyncratic reactions to earning, sharing, and investing money. Your partner's relationship to money, even if raised by the same (e.g. siblings in the business) or similar parents, will be different. So one must understand that difference, rather than become a resistant victim of that discrepancy. Marriage is thought of as that developmental step that says, " We're grown up." Yet it is divorce, for many couples, that provides the trigger that requires responsible adult behavior. Separation challenges one to grow: to understand tax law, to plan for asset accumulation and preservation, and to implement a rational budget without which there will be no viable life strategy for the future. Some people avoid creating a budget. So stress heightens when attorneys asks for the financials. In business, some grow too fast or while significant in size never get around to creating a board to oversee one's mission, its changing challenges, or even the way one rewards talent or downsizes staff. Strategic planning either in the boardroom or bedroom takes time away from doing business or having fun. Rather than take away that precious time now, such planning gets postponed. So will you select the loss of time now or a much bigger and even more painful monetary loss later?
It is a necessary loss to take care to plan responsibly and talk easily and openly about how to manage expenditures before crunch time. Partnership means strategically fashioning a fair, balanced, mutually reciprocal teamwork - a team wherein you respectfully support one another. Certainly it is worth reviewing differing attitudes about earning, spending and budgeting money. Ask each other about conscious expectations, and about role models. Hopefully one will even access some of the heretofore hidden images from the past, stored in their brains. Variations in how one approaches the size of their diamond engagement ring or the wedding reception often or in the décor of your offices reflect the differing messages about money that each received from parents and extended family. Some lessons were intentionally transmitted. Other teachings were by example, including the unintended lessons. For example, was money meant to be spent or saved, used freely for luxuries or just necessities, to be hidden or spent conspicuously? There may have been confusion between the resources of love and money. For money is often the only "nurturing" that some (e.g. workaholic) parents were able to give their spouse or children. Feeling inferior and competitive with friends of higher socioeconomic status may cause conflict with a spouse or business partner taught to be prudent with his resources. How would he feel about her push to buy the marital or company car that represents an announcement of status? These dynamics may need to be teased out and negotiated with the assistance of a coach in addition to your accountant and attorney.
Such unresolved differences could eventually lead to divorce or business dissolution, which taxes one's heart and pocket book simultaneously. Life is a series of necessary and potential losses and gains. Some occur as a result of nature (illness, death, accident or childbirth) and other due to circumstance (job loss, stock plummets, and bankruptcy, promotions or lottery success). Wouldn't it be easier to explore these possibilities collaboratively while first falling in love, first choosing your co-executive or first developing your business and marketing plans?

Dr Shel J. Miller is an Executive, Family and Divorce coach. As the Keep-It-Together Expert, his mission is to lift spirits by restoring hope and peace in relationships that are struggling. One way he does so is through Family Event Coaching. He also works as a Child Specialist with Collaborative Attorneys and as a Parent Coordinator post litigation. His web address is www.ShelMiller@rcn.com and he may be reached at 617 731-9174 or by email at ShelMiller@rcn.com